This time of year, since the death of my lil' son Zachary; I feel him so strongly, as today is the eve of his death so many years ago. Though, somehow, not so long ago. I find myself patting my own chest, as if I'm holding him, the beating of his heart on mine, arms around my neck, head resting on my shoulder, sweet breath on my cheek, in his own darlin' way...patting his lil' back as I used to do almost daily. I feel him. He was 'bigger' then, and didn't need "mom-mom" so much. I miss that little guy. He would run, fall down ten times, and get up eleven! See, he had mild cerebral palsy on the left side of his body. More than likely why; he couldn't get away from those rolling logs in time, before they pinned him to the earth, under they're enormous weight. He was a spunky little fella, and quadruple the spirit of any other boy. He had to try much harder to physically accomplish things, though he didn't seem to notice. He didn't cry much,... even that day; just one tear on the rim of his lashes. Just a low whisper: "mom-mom", as he looked up to see me, just knowing that "mom-mom" could fix this too! Both of us losing hope; as his innocent blue eyes were becoming fixed. I do hope he felt some comfort knowing I was at least; there with him, as we both struggled for his life. I kissed every boo-boo, wiped every tear, slept by his side as I wiped his fevered brow. But, I couldn't fix this one..... The day his 'loving tree': hugged him; to a breath away from death. Held him so long and hard; that he was in a vegetative state from September 15 through October 26. I brought him home from Children's Hospital on October 21st, so that he would breathe his last breath where he belonged: at home. With us. His family. With me. "Mom-mom".
I can still hear him say "Mom-mom, myyyy love you", and I would answer; saying that I loved him too.Though I would also correct him and say: "Zacha, say: I love you, not MY love you". He would hold up the tops of his hands for me to kiss, to leave my lipstick print, and say "myyy am"! I kissed his hands in just that same way, before we laid him to rest in his final earthly bed with his favorite Spider Man p.j.'s on. Remembering how he would lift his leg (in a karate kind of way), trying to balance, with his arms outstretched, laughing ... "kowa bunga dude". Wondering if he was warm enough, tucking his blanket about him. This time of year brought the Canadian Geese, which he delighted in especially; calling out with upturned face to the sky "honk honk", while running to try to keep pace. Zacha especially LOVED his brothers and sisters. This is where he found his truest comfort as he was getting 'bigger'.
Today I turn my face to the sky above The Chesapeake Bay, which was his most favorite place to be, his home, put on my favorite lipstick, and blow a kiss to our beloved.
He was 4 years old. Casket's shouldn't come so small.
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