Lost to me

Oh here I go again; thinking of loss. All the folks that I've lost along the way. Some through death, mournful marriage ending, and just natural change. Lost hope, dreams, plans. I'm not grieving as I was now. I miss Zachary, yet I am so grateful for him at the same time. I miss my dad. But I have reminders of my lost husband sometimes. I had hope that he would find his way. For his own sake. Well, and mine too. It's only been a little over a year, and 21 years were spent together. We went through hell together. Pictures of him keep surfacing, and little items, and I catch a glimpse of him on occasion. Memories flood my mind every now and then; and I shoo them away for fear of falling into a dark place. Or fooling myself. I long for my partner at times, when I KNOW he is no good for me. Good and bad; we were companions.
 Snow geese landed in the yard today, and I became melancholy. It's been bleak and cold this winter. Inside and out.  Living in this dilapidated old bungalow, has it's ups and downs. One down has been that when it snowed. It snowed inside the house! Lol. Yet, I'm making it okay.  The up is: watching the moods of the Chesapeake Bay every day.
Setting my mind on living the few years I have left on this journey, with purpose. Success in focusing on pleasant tasks to make me better; and heal this most shattered heart of mine.

Recently...

Someone asked me if I knew you. So many memories flew through my mind. Some so very happy, and some so completely sorrowful. I realized as I smiled that a tear was on my lash; and I told them : I used to